How Do We Know What Kind of Sex Is Worth Wanting?

What makes sex more than satisfying, but truly extraordinary, memorable, and even life-changing? What makes sex great?

This is an extremely important question. By defining what kind of sex is actually worth having, we can begin to see the path that can lead us there. 

Even professionals in the fields of psychology, sexology, and therapy don’t have a ready answer to this question. These professions are typically focused on the problematic side of sex. They focus on distinguishing functional from dysfunctional, normal from abnormal, and moving people from one category to the other. “Great” is a notably higher level than normal or functional. It’s radically different from ordinary. It even goes beyond positive, beyond good, and even beyond satisfying.

Why It’s Hard to Define Great Sex

Without a clear understanding of what makes great sex, people speculate, form concepts, and fill in the gaps. Hollywood portrays sex as effortless, instant, and full of “chemistry” that makes us wonder why we’re not experiencing what’s presented on screen. Magazines and books carry headlines screaming promises of “amazing, sizzling, lip-biting” sex that is only “this one weird trick away.” We’re convinced that the right technique, the right product, or the right mix of the novelty will solve it for us.

Another barrier is distinguishing great sex from satisfying or good-enough sex. Many people experience satisfying sex and consider it great. They talk about the frequency or intensity of orgasm. Some will reference the depth of intimacy or connection they feel with their spouse. Many will actually look at the absence of negatives and consider that great sex; no pain, no danger, no trauma, no boredom, enough variety. All of these things are relevant to great sex but do not define the entire scope of it. Many couples still experience these things but do not feel fulfilled by their sex life. 

Something for Those that Feel Disinterested in Sex Entirely 

I invite you to consider that what you’re actually uninterested in is your concept of what sex is. That concept you have of sex probably isn’t worth getting excited over for anybody. The good news is that there IS something more to sex, and that’s something you might be highly interested in experiencing.

Finally. . . . An Answer

Peggy Kleinplatz and her colleagues wrote a research paper based on their interviews with sex experts and individuals who self-selected as having “great sex.” Through their methodic questioning they identified the components that define optimal sexuality. 

It’s remarkable how universally respondents answered when asked to describe their experience of great sex. While it may seem that there are many routes to having great sex, the actual experience of it is quite similar across individuals.

The Makings of Great Sex

Presence

Both sides are deeply aware of the current moment. Their minds are empty. They are present to their physical sensations.

As the study cites:

The sense of being utterly alive with intensely focused attention and being “totally absorbed at the moment” seems to be a crucial feature of optimal sexuality. Participants spoke of being utterly embodied and fully aware of the sensations being experienced from moment to moment. One described the feeling as, “a complete immersion, I think in the present, in the experience at the time.” It was necessary for participants to, “really [be] fully conscious” and to slow down in order to experience each moment as fully as possible. One participant described losing herself completely in the experience: “You’re not a person in a situation. You are it. You are the situation.” 

Connection

Mindfulness times two. The result of two people who are present in the moment interacting with one another.

As two different participants from the study shared:

“Great sex involves] at least one moment, the snap of the fingers, the length of a heartbeat, a breath where I can’t tell where I stop and they start.”

“It’s the energy between people that wraps itself around them like a blanket to the point where you notice the creation of the body between them more than you notice either one of the individuals involved.”

Deep Sexual and Erotic Intimacy 

Which is different from sexual activity. It’s the mood that surrounds a relationship. How a couple treats each other outside the bedroom. A magnetism that draws two people to each other. To care for, be intrinsically interested in, value, and respect the other.

The study notes:

“The relationship had to include deep mutual respect, caring, genuine acceptance, and admiration. One of the key characteristics of this type of intimacy was a deep sense of caring for one’s partner. . . One woman explained that during great sex, she felt, “loved and wanted, accepted and cherished” by her partner. The majority of participants defined virtually every facet of love without using that term. Participants valued and respected the partners with whom they had had great sex at very deep and high levels.”

Extraordinary Communication, Deep Empathy 

Participants’ communication exchanges went beyond traditionally understood methods of effective communication. 

“Rather than stressing the importance of using ‘I’ language, paraphrasing their partners’ statements, giving and receiving constructive feedback, etc., participants emphasized complete and total sharing of themselves, both verbally and non-verbally, with their partners before, during, and after sexual encounters.”

It’s crucial to be able to listen to, understand, and respond to one another’s verbal and non-verbal cues. Sensitivity, “real listening,” and “paying attention to little things” were emphasized as important. Touch was prized as a special form of direct and erotic communication. Participants also emphasized the importance of taking responsibility for one’s self-knowledge and knowing what desires and sensitivities to convey. 

Authenticity, Being Genuine, Uninhibited, Transparent 

The ability to be continuously honest with oneself and transparent with one’s partner. Being uninhibited by pre-existing rules and scripts, able to genuinely be oneself and experience being accepted by one’s partner.

“Participants reveled in the freedom and liberation to be completely emotionally naked with another person. The emotional power of being genuine, being seen and known authentically was described repeatedly as a gift. One woman described the joy she experienced from being able to reveal herself completely to her husband and having him accept her completely: ‘It was just so shocking to me that I could actually express these things and, he was right there loving it and doing it with me.’”

Transcendence/Transformation 

Participants described moments of “bliss, peace, awe, ecstasy, and soulfulness.” Many described experiences of soothing and healing. Great sex is transformative. People connect, however briefly, to something infinite. 

“Many participants used religious language to describe their greatest sexual experiences. One participant stated, ‘At this moment, we were in the presence of God’ and described a feeling of being ‘enveloped in this beautiful white light.’ Another remarked, ‘It was revelatory—an epiphany.’”

Exploration, Risk-taking, Adventure, Fun 

Great sex is a discovery process between two people. It embodies a sense of adventure and interpersonal risk-taking in the context of fun and play. There’s a sense of experimentation, deepening the couple’s experience by stretching their boundaries and continually discovering new things. They don’t have a goal to obtain or an outcome to produce, the PROCESS of trying something new together is enjoyable and bonding. 

“Many participants likened great sex to an ongoing ‘discovery process,’ exploration or journey where it was necessary to continually push and expand one’s personal sexual boundaries. One woman believed that great sex required an ‘adventuring spirit.’ Another participant described the possibility of not only, ‘discovering stuff about your partner but discovering things about yourself.’ Many emphasized the need for this discovery process to continue and expand throughout a [couple’s] life.’”

As an afterthought, participants clarified that great sex should be fun! Laughter at some point in the experience is an indicator. 

“The importance of fun as part of the experience of great sex was so basic that on several occasions, participants mentioned this component as an afterthought: ‘Did I mention that great sex is fun too? [laughs] If you’re not having fun, it’s not great.’”

Vulnerability, Surrender 

While authenticity is intrapersonally focused (expressed within oneself), vulnerability is interpersonally focused (expressed outwardly towards another). Consciously revealing yourself, surrendering, putting yourself into the hands of the other. Akin to jumping off a cliff. You make the choice to trust fully, no going back. Psychological nakedness, complete removal of all sense of self-preservation. 

“The focus here was on, ‘being able to put your entire being in somebody else’s hands.’”

“In normal good sex or good relationships, I think there are always some small but detectable barriers, some things held back. In great sex, I think those disappear and so [I’m] transparent to the other person and therefore quite vulnerable but it feels, it goes with an intensely erotic and a good feeling rather than a scary feeling.”

Dr. Barb DePree eloquently describes the role of vulnerability in an intimate relationship:

“Vulnerability cuts to the heart of self-preservation. Our instinct is to protect ourselves, to hide just a little, not to completely bare our throats. We may do this because we’re afraid of rejection, or of being ignored, or of being controlled, or because we’ve been hurt in the past, maybe even in loving relationships. We may also be dragged into our adult lives some unexamined anxieties from our childhood—fears that can exert a powerful influence no matter how outdated or irrational they may be. And the bedroom with all its intimacy and nakedness is just the place where these fears, past and present, are likely to intrude.“

Back to the original study, Kleinplatz and her colleagues made other noteworthy observations about the participants. Great sex doesn’t depend on “normal” sexual functioning. Participants experience great sex despite diminished genital response, age, illness, or disability. They also tend to ignore conventional performance expectations for sex. They don’t make effort to fit other people’s concept of satisfying sex. Instead, they listen to and focus on their own desires while responding to those of their partner. 

This study also reveals a few things that great sex clearly doesn’t rely on:

Perfect Bodies 

Nothing in the study mentions a person’s physical qualities as having any significance in experiencing great sex, yet it’s an obsessed-over topic. 

Specific Sexual Acts 

This was also notably missing, but probably the most focused on the area for those wanting to experience better sex. 

Sexual Compatibility 

The most significant thing to me from this study is that these eight qualities of great sex (maybe with the exception of transcendence) are something a person consciously chooses to practice in a relationship. Great sex isn’t about biology, hormones, or chemistry. It’s about the quality of relationship experienced between two people at that moment. Each of these qualities is something that can be practiced and developed.  

It’s exciting having a lamppost we can orient ourselves towards. If you want to experience great sex, these are the qualities to focus on. Next, we’ll need to take a look at HOW to experience these qualities by answering the question, how do we have great sex?