The Cool Girl Lie
Contributed by Sammy Uyama
The Cool Girl is a character-type decades old if not longer. Women famously known as Cool Girls go far back as Clara Bow, Carole Lombard, and Jane Fonda. Today we have Jennifer Lawrence, Mila Kunis, and Megan Fox. The Cool Girl has seeped into the persona of what many men expect in a woman and many women attempt to live up to. It finally got a name when Gillian Flynn called it out in her 2012 murder-mystery novel Gone Girl, which was further popularized by the 2014 movie of the same name. The original is quite raw, this is a toned-down version:
Being the Cool Girl means I am a hot, brilliant, funny woman who adores football, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves raunchy sex, jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are above all hot. Hot and understanding. Cool Girls never get angry; they only smile in a chagrined, loving manner and let their men do whatever they want….
In addition, Cool Girl must be comforting and not challenging. She’s chill. She doesn’t look to change things. The moment she begins to care about something she’s no longer cool. If she begins to surpass her male counterparts then the charm wears off. In the Marvel Cinematic Universe, Black Widow is like one of the guys and she’s well-received by audiences as expected. Captain Marvel, on the other hand, receives intense backlash for her role as the strongest superhero in the franchise. Jane Fonda lost her Cool Girl charisma when she began protesting the Vietnam War and earned the nickname Hanoi Jane.
The most important fact about Cool Girl is that she is a total MYTH. She doesn’t really exist. She’s invented by men; a bundle of fantasies strung together. We know this because most important of all, Cool Girl is HOT. Without her hotness, she’s not Cool Girl. Plenty of women enjoy traditionally male activities. That’s not what being a Cool Girl is about. Being a Cool Girl is about enjoying these activities while simultaneously presenting unconcerned, effortless hotness that perfectly represents the man’s preferences. There’s Sports Cool Girl, Outdoorsy Cool Girl, Hipster Cool Girl, Gamer Cool Girl, and on and on and on. Above all, Cool Girl is hot.
Flynn continues:
Men actually think this girl exists. Maybe they’re fooled because so many women are willing to pretend to be this girl. I used to see men giddy over these awful pretender women, and I’d want to sit these men down and calmly say: You are not dating a woman, you are dating a woman who has watched too many movies written by socially awkward men who’d like to believe that this kind of woman exists and might kiss them.… Oh, and if you’re not a Cool Girl, I beg you not to believe that your man doesn’t want the Cool Girl. It may be a slightly different version—maybe he’s vegetarian, so Cool Girl loves seitan and is great with dogs; or maybe he’s a hipster artist, so Cool Girl is a tattooed, bespectacled nerd who loves comics. There are variations to the window dressing, but believe me, he wants Cool Girl, who is basically the girl who likes everything he likes and doesn’t ever complain.
Maybe an overly cynical view of men, but hits a strong nerve. The desirability of Cool Girl lies in being special. Women wanting to be special. Men wanting to be special by getting the special girl. If not the whole Cool Girl package, traces of Cool Girl can be found embedded in most people’s image of the perfect relationship. That’s why many women are willing to try and become her. She’s the pinnacle of what so many women want to be and so many men want to have.
Some people might read about Cool Girl and begin condemning male-centric-ness and society’s assumption that women will conform to men’s expectations. It’s true that there isn’t the same expectation of men to fit themselves into women’s interests. At the same time, men are equally afflicted by the role they’re expected to play, Mr. Charming, which we can talk about another time. Right now we’re talking about Cool Girl and the impact she has.
The problem with the Cool Girl trope is that it’s entirely FAKE. It’s the embodiment of the “put your best foot forward” approach that engulfs dating and relationship culture. The guy loves the girl she’s pretending to be. It has a time limit that can’t last a real long-term relationship as it requires a lifetime of suppressing your real self.
Most women who take on this persona aren’t doing it intentionally to manipulate people. They’ve subconsciously found what makes people like them and are going with it.
Both men and women get trapped in a vicious cycle of unreachable expectations. Men looking for a girl that isn’t real. Women trying to become a girl that isn’t them.
Underneath the entire relationship is an unspoken agreement of trading. Women are willing to pretend because they get something worth pretending for (at least in the beginning). The praise of being a Cool Girl, momentary wisps of power from having influence over another person, safety in its various forms. Men are willing to give whatever it takes to get the Cool Girl because they get something from it. The praise, pleasure, and power of snagging the girl that’s better than all the rest.
A relationship based on exchange can never be fulfilling. The gratification eventually wears off and the trade becomes unbalanced. When we feel like we’re giving more than we’re getting we feel used and discontent. When we don’t get what we used to, we feel angry that our partner isn’t trying anymore or that they deceived us. When we no longer have what brought us together or what our partner liked about us we worry what will keep the relationship going.
What can we do about it? Stop looking for Cool Girl. Stop trying to be Cool Girl. Cool Girl is a lie. Don’t fall for it. Be you. Look for someone who is being them.
Credit to The Take for their video essay dissecting the Cool Girl trope